The jokes page

Digging through the old Cricinfo archives, we came across files of jokes, some good, some bad, many truly appalling

20-Nov-2005

Digging through the old Cricinfo archives, we came across files of jokes, some good, some bad, many truly appalling. With no vouching for their titillation factor or originality - may well-worn anecdotes contain references to a variety of different players, depending on who tells them - we present some of them here. If you know of any jokes, please email us

An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground. "How's it going?" he asked. "Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

A keen bowler was well into his run up when a funeral procession passed the ground. He stopped in his tracks, took off his cap, held it over his heart, and bowed his head. The umpire was impressed. "You're a man who shows real respect for the deceased," he said. "It's the least I could do," said the bowler. "After all, I was married to her for 30 years."

A seven year old Harare boy challenged a Zimbabwe High Court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge awarded custody to his sole aunt. The boy protested that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy claimed that they beat him more than anyone. The judge then allowed the boy to chose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the Zimbabwe Cricket team, as the boy firmly believed they were not capable of beating anyone.

The village club was burdened with a big-headed skipper. Although a below average player, he considered himself the best in the side. They were up against tough opposition and as they walked out he said, "Right. I'll open the bowling from the pavilion end." "That's right, skipper," said the fast bowler. "You bowl 'em in - then I'll come on bowl 'em out."

An afternoon during a Test match at the Melbourne Cricket Ground was rudely interrupted by a between-overs announcement through the public address system. "Would Mr Smith of Hawthorn please go home," the PA announced, "your wife is having her baby and must be taken to hospital." Laughter flowed around the ground as the spectators pictured a stressed father-to-be rushing to the hospital. But about half an hour the voice again boomed across the ground, this time with some urgency: "Repeating our earlier message to Mr Smith of Hawthorn... would he please go home immediately, because his wife is in labour and must be taken to hospital straight away." Much more mirth from the crowd, this time picturing a man reluctant to leave the cricket - but surely by now bidding farewell to his mates to dash to his vehicle and tear off home. How wrong were 20,000 spectators. Much to their delight the now pleading message was repeated with grim urgency some 20 minutes later. After a further 30 minutes passed there was a bland announcement: "Would Mr J. Smith of Hawthorn please go to the Mercy Hospital, where his wife has now given birth to a baby son."

The batsmen strolled up to the crease and carefully took guard. He looked round the field, noting the position of each player. With great elegance, he patted down several invisible bumps on the pitch and at last signalled that he was ready to accept the first delivery. The ball came and uprooted the middle stump. "What a shame," said the wicketkeeper. "Just as you were getting set!"

In a local match, the umpire was being jeered and heckled unmercifully from the crowd. At length he walked over to the boundary and sat down next to his chief critic. "What are you doing?" asked the spectator. "Well," said the umpire, "it seems you get the best view from here."

In school, the teacher asked Johnny to spell "bowling". Back came the answer : "B-o-e-l-i-n." "That," said the teacher, "is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen."

During the match, the fieldsman positioned just behind the umpire kept trying to distract the batsman as the ball was bowled to him. Several appeals for lbw were turned down, and finally the umpire turned to the fieldsman and said sternly: "I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes." "I thought so," came the reply, "I could tell you weren't watching the game!"

Maurice Leyland of Yorkshire and England was getting heckled because of some less-than-perfect fielding on tour in Australia. One barracker, in particular, was having a great time jeering at Leyland's errors. He could hardly contain himself when Leyland dropped a high catch. "Idiot," he yelled, "I could have caught it in my mouth!' Leyland grinned at the man and said: "If I'd a mouth as big as yours, I could have too."

"I've never umpired a cricket match before. Do I have to run after the ball?" "No, after the match."

The fast bowler delivered a bouncer which hit the batsman on the head and he had to be taken to hospital for observation. The next day he was introduced to the batsman's wife. "I'm terribly sorry about what happened to your husband, I feel very bad about it," grovelled the bowler."Oh, think nothing of it," replied the wife, "I've been wanting to do that myself for years."

George was always thinking of cricket. Eventually, his exasperated wife said, "You think nothing but cricket. I bet you don't even remember the day we were married." "Of course I do," said George. "It was the day Sir Colin Cowdrey got 100 not out against Surrey."

A friend asked George, "Tell me, is your daughter's fiancée a good catch?" "Good catch?" answered George. "Dammit, he's the best fielder we've got in the side!"

In a calmer moment, George and his wife were sitting at home. George was as usual reading some bowling averages. "Do you remember the day you proposed at the cricket match?" said she, romantically. "You were bold." "No I wasn't," muttered George, "I was caught and bowled!"

The club's best batsman was on the phone to his captain, trying to explain why he couldn't play the next day. "No, I can't let you off the game," the captain was heard to say. "If I did, then I would have to do the same for any other player whose wife dies.'

One of England's fastest bowlers was taking a quiet stroll in a little village when he came upon a game of cricket. This being in the age before TV, cricketers were not always recognised by face. The visiting team was one player short and invited the great man not knowing who he was. The home team was batting first. Soon it became evident that the umpires were more than slightly in favour of the batsmen, when several appeals for catches behind the wicket and leg-before were turned down. The visiting captain, in desperation, and having used all his bowlers turned to our friend. The Test cricketer, Fred Truman, marked out a short run-up and came in and bowled his first delivery. The batsman was plumb in front and was about to move. "Howzzaat!" cried the visitors. But the umpire just shook his head in denial. Lol, a little miffed, came in again, and there was a loud noise to be heard as the batsman nicked to the keeper. But, once again, to the amazement of the visitors, their appeals fell on deaf ears. By now, Fred was livid. He marked out his full run-up, told the keeper to step further back and came charging in at full pace. The batsman never saw the ball. All he did see was his stumps cartwheeling out of the ground. Fred calmly turned and walked back to the top of his run-up. On his way, as he passed the umpire, he said: "We nearly flippin had `im there, didn't we?"

In a club match a fast bowler was terrorising a visiting side. As the new batsman slowly reached the middle, he was asked by the umpire if he wanted the sightscreen moved. He thought and said he would. "To the left or right?" asked the umpire. "Neither," the frightened batsman replied. "Couldn't I have between him and me?"

It was the after-lunch session and the batsman had been drinking too heavily during the break. He staggered up to the captain and confessed that he could see three of everything. 'Well,' said the captain, 'when you get out there and the three balls come towards you, just hit the middle one. 'The batsman weaved his way to the crease and was bowled first ball. He made his way back. 'What happened?' demanded the captain. 'Didn't you hit the middle ball?' 'Yesh,' replied the batsman, 'but I used the outside bat!'

In a same match a lot of wides were being bowled, but it was obvious that the umpire didn't know that anything was wrong. After a particularly wide delivery, the exasperated batsman said, 'Surely that was a wide!' The umpire nodded sagely. 'Arr,' he said, 'I don t think I ever saw one wider!'

The two rival cricketers were talking. 'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.' 'Well, you're just the man for the job.'

Just before the match, the secretary received a message in his office from the turnstiles. There's an umpire down here with two friends. Wants to know if they can come in.' 'No,' replied the secretary, 'the man's obviously lying.' 'How do you make that out?' 'Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends.'

At the interval, everybody rushed to the bar, where local publican had thoughtfully provided a case of light ale. Unfortunately, the ale was off and halfway through the second innings, everyone was so ill that they abandoned the match. It was a case of bad light stopping play.

Two dedicated Yorkshiremen were at Headingley. One discovered that he'd left his wallet at home and friend offered to go back for it. He returned pale and shaken. 'I've got bad news for thee, Bob. Your wife's run off and left thee, and your house 'as burned to the ground!' 'I've got worse news for thee, lad," the other replied. "Hutton's out.'

In a tense game, a batsman was given run out , a decision with which he obviously disagreed. He paced up and down outside the pavilion until the umpires came in. "I wasn't out, you know," he said to the umpire. "Look in tomorrow's paper." "No, you look in the paper," the other replied. "I'm the editor."

The batsman was out first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman, a supercilious rival. "Hard luck, old man," smirked the newcomer. The outgoing batsman grinned back. "Yes. It's a shame I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick."

The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.
Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?'
Doctor: 'Get another job.'
Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow !'

A man visits the doctor. "You've got to help me," he said. "I think I'm a cricket ball." "How's that?" the doctor replied. The man scowled. "Oh no, don't you start ..."

The nervous young batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicketkeeper, "Well, I expect you've seen worse players." Silence.... He then repeated his comment. "I said I expect you've seen worse players." The keeper looked and replied: "I heard you the first time. I was just trying to think."

The fast bowler tore up to the wicket and hurled a ball which caught the batsman plumb lbw. "Owzat!" he bellowed. "Not out,"' said the umpire. The bowler was speechless with rage, but turned around and bowled the next ball. This one snicked the bat high up and was caught by second slip. Everyone threw their arms up, but the umpire said "Not out." His team-mates held him back forcibly and he contained himself enough to hurl down the third ball. The batsman missed completely and all three stumps were uprooted. The bowler turned, shaking his head. As he passed the umpire, he muttered, "Nearly 'ad him that time."

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her. At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

A cricket enthusiast died and went to hell. After a few days, the Devil came up to him and said, "What do you feel like doing today? You can have anything you like." "Well," said the cricketer, "I can think of nothing better than a game of cricket. Can we do that?" "Certainly," said the Devil, and off they went to get changed. They arrived at a beautiful pitch, and the batsman in his new gear took up a stance. Nothing happpened. "Come on then," he said to the Devil, "bowl the first ball." "Ah, that's the Hell of it," said the Devil. "We haven't got any balls."

As Denis Norden once said: "It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May"