Five ways to win the Ashes

Turmoil is once again threatening to swamp English cricket with the state's Department of Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) going head-to-head with the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) over an "appallingly narrow view of training and conditioning of our athletes - athletes who are also some of our most valuable social role models". In an exclusive high-tea meeting yesterday with The Scoop, the Secretary of State of the DCMS, Rt Hon Tessa Jowell MP, said that: "It is disappointing that we have fallen back on batting, bowling and fielding at a time when avenues of learning, especially in Britain, are broader than ever before."

The imbroglio is certain to have an impact in the run-up to the Ashes later this year, which has already been described by Australian commentators as greater than the previous edition in England. For their part the Australian cricketers, hungry for revenge, have undergone a meticulously lateral programme over the past few months - including a full tournament played without bat or ball to hone visualisation techniques, and the assignment of new nicknames to each player so they may discover suppressed parts of their personalities.

Much to the embarrassment of Miss Jowell, the benefits are being volubly spoken of by Australian players. After daily 90-minute sessions of allowing a stream of iron pellets to fall on his freshly shaved skull the 35-year-old Perth-born Justin Langer feels confident that he will be able to cope with any blows to the helmet during the Ashes. The nuggetty opener, renowned for his preparation, also spent a fortnight at the Parfumerie Galimard in Grasse, France, to help deal with perfume balls. "With my technique and way of thinking, it's something I know won't go away," the martial-arts-loving, thick-eyebrowed Langer disclosed to The Scoop, "so the aim is to allow it to become a part of my cricket with least hindrance. Bukes (Coach John 'Planman' Buchanan) has been incredible in facilitating this."

Langer is not the first Australian to benefit from Buchanan's out-of-the-box methods. Brett Lee's memorable gesture of not assaulting Andrew Flintoff with his bat when the latter put an arm around the former after a tight finish in the Edgbaston Test of the 2005 Ashes was attributed to lessons at a Humanism Training Camp where Lee braved a simulated bushfire to rescue 11 semi-charred wild hogs. That particular incident had an interesting side-effect when the hard-hitting Andrew Symonds, who was so affected by the waste of otherwise perfectly edible hogs, spent an emotional night out picking drunken fights with vagrants and Duchesses alike during the one-day series that preceded the Test matches. But John 'Natural Mystic' Buchanan defended the one-off backfire to The Scoop with the words that "right and wrong, learning and unlearning, inspiration and expiration are sides of the same Kookaburra white."

"What must England do to retain the Ashes?" Miss Jowell asked The Scoop in a very angry tone last afternoon. "We are obliged to confront this question because we have seen that the events of last summer had a great galvanising effect on youth of all background in Britain. I seriously suggest that the ECB study trends around the contemporary cricket world and learn a few things."

Miss Jowell made special mention of India, whose combination of a vibrant economy, penetrative media and a singled-mindedly shrewd coach, Greg Chappell, have transformed their approach. For instance, the 'young prince' Yuvraj Singh's scintillating performance last season was the result of a New York-based corporate internship with the world-famous Ventura venture-capitalist group, enabling the talented Punjabi to apply more refined risk-assessment strategies to his batting.

"As coach you can only make the suggestion," the humble Australian maestro Chappell told The Scoop. "For example we advised Mahendra (Singh Dhoni) to strip away the orange from his hair to understand what it means to be under the cap of someone with uncoloured hair. But the credit goes to Mahendra for actually taking the step. It was his decision finally to go to the hair-dresser and say 'right mate, give me back the black.'" As a result observers are anticipating a more mature Dhoni this coming season, with India golfer Kapil Dev already singling him out as a future captain. In preparation for next year's Caribbean World Cup Chappell's Indians are scheduled to go on a timber-felling mission in Quebec, spend a week without clothes in the Gobi desert, and adopt a different pet for every week of the month.

On being pressed, Miss Jowell conceded to The Scoop that there had indeed been some encouraging signs recently when the ECB appointed a Chief Operating Officer for Incremental Resource Development to oversee the 19-man Incremental Resource Developer team (known as support staff in Zimbabwe and Bangladesh) which now includes a Wicketkeeper Morale Booster, and a Hope Supplier For Chronic Injured, apart from the 12 former cricketers that have been signed up as consultants to help Monty Panesar prepare for Australian crowds. However, added Miss Jowell with parting sarcasm, "Does cricket not teach us above all that we must forever live in anticipation of the next delivery?"