'I never found the game easy'

"It's very important to have passion" © Getty Images

Right at the beginning I wasn't sure whether I had the passion to be a cricketer or a football player. Steadily I found the passion, and it is very important that you have that. That's why I managed to play for a long time.

Early on, a Test batsman is always selfish. When you get established, you can become a team player.

The feel of the bat in my hands was very important to me. I always wanted my handles just right. So they were hand-crafted, using pen-knives and gluing the string back on. I was a tinkerer.

Sledging never got to me because I was brought up in a hard football league where on a Saturday afternoon people would be after you to break your leg in the first five minutes.

In my third Test match, we were eight down. I'm on 60 not out, batting with the tail. Ian Healy says, "Boys, watch this guy play to get a not out." The pride inside me said, "Stuff this, I'll show you." I charged out to smack [Shane] Warne for a six and got stumped. That was gamesmanship.

My first West Indies tour taught me the most important thing about being an international batsman: if you can't play a ball at 90mph at your head, you better go and get another job.

Shaun Pollock, Shane Warne and Wasim Akram were the toughest bowlers to face. Warne was the best spinner who played the game and it was a privilege to face him. Akram could hit you on your head, could hit you on your toe, and could hit your middle stump. Pollock gave me certain difficulties because he was so close to the stumps, and as a left-hander I would occasionally fall over. He would be wicket to wicket, little bit of inswing at good pace. I found him a very difficult opponent.

When (Brian) Lara made 375 in Antigua, I was at first slip. I watched his footwork, his back-lift, I realised how quickly he could get good balls away in Test cricket and how he could dominate the bowler. On my second to last tour I watched him break the world record again. It was nice to have been the only one to have fielded in two world records.

It is impossible not to carry your personal troubles into the dressing room.

In my debut Test, at Trent Bridge, I remember being very, very nervous. I made six in the first innings. On the rest day I drove back to London, had a barbecue with friends, drove back. The next day England were in a bit of strife, as we usually were in those days. I batted with (Graham) Gooch, a legend. On the fifth morning I hooked Brendon Julian. Michael Slater tried to come around to cut it off but the ball went over his head. My life, all of a sudden, was in different place because I had scored a hundred on debut against Australia. The next day there were all these articles from which I learned more about myself then than I'd done.

I tried to have a bit of the make-up of Allan Border, who had the grit, the guts. Didn't always look good on the eye, but did the job. And occasionally, if I had to come out of my zone, there were tiny bits of things I had picked from watching Lara - like the pull off a length ball, which I learned to pick up quickly.

I never found the game easy ever. I always felt that if I ever relaxed in Test cricket, I could be out. It was not insecurity, it was because of how hard one had to concentrate and knowing the difference between when to take the risk and when to be tough.

When I was dropped for the New Zealand series after my debut, Ray Illingworth, the new chairman of selectors, told me: "You are not in the best five batsmen in the country." Brutal honesty. Only a Yorkshireman could explain it. Which was good; I understood that language.

I got fined for refusing to wear the team blazer to official functions before the 1999 World Cup. It was a stance against the board. The money had been the same for three years. The board did not believe in inflation. During the World Cup we were asked to do things for sponsors when we were being paid a very small amount of money to play the event in our own country. You were concentrating on your cricket and people were wanting you to go to functions. I would say, "I'm exhausted. Do we have to go to another function?" So I took a stance.

The skill is in learning how to counter-attack to get to three figures and beyond.

Darren Gough and I had the same passion for playing for our country. Goughie always used to say, "You should smile more." "I can't," I said. "I get one go and if I mess it up, that's it. If you bowl a bad first ball, you can smile. You could get the bloke out next ball."

England became a different team under Duncan Fletcher, under Nasser (Hussain), and with central contracts arriving, where players felt more "on" playing for England. The entire first half of my England career I totally felt like I was a Surrey player; second half, I felt like an England player who was going back to Surrey.

I was in India when my marriage started to break down. The news reporters - not sports reporters - hunt for bad news. There are people going through dustbins and around your house. It was a difficult thing to handle, because I was a shy person trying to do my best. My ex-wife took the children away, lived with another man, and I fell out of love with the game.

Shining hour: the hundred on comeback at the Oval against South Africa © Getty Images

Everyone said how unlucky I was to miss the 2005 Ashes. But I took my career as far as I could and when I was told "You are not going to this series" that was it. I walked into the sunset.

Only eight other Englishmen have played 100 Tests, so doing that was really special.

In the 1990s we had far better bowling attacks than what we see now. Geoff Boycott said the bowling attacks in the 70s and 80s were much better. The test for this next generation of bowlers is how many creep past the 350-wicket mark in Tests.

Brian Lara could destroy any attack, at any time, on any pitch, and he was somebody you could not contain when it was his day. Sachin Tendulkar is a tiny smidgen behind, because if you wanted to bowl really short at him, maybe he wouldn't always take you on, whereas Lara always would. That was the only difference.

Two thousand and two was a year of discontent. It was awful to stand out there. I was watching the clock tick minute by minute by minute. It was the lowest point of my life. I opted out of the Ashes because of my mental problems.

My favourite hundred was the one against South Africa, at the Oval because I had not played for 14 months between my 77th and 78th Tests. Doubts rushed through my mind. "Am I good enough? Am I quick enough? Am I going to pick everything?" I kind of had two innings. I had to come in that night on 28 not out. It was an awful 28 because I was vulnerable and occasionally took some risks. Next day I came in to bat, I was very relaxed, felt that I belonged back here, and I tried to dominate again. It all came back. It was a knock of a lifetime.

Nagraj Gollapudi is an assistant editor at Cricinfo. This interview appeared in a different form in the October 2008 issue of the Wisden Cricketer. Subscribe here